I’m feeling numb

Like… I think I should be feeling content, satisfied. Happy.

I got a new job. The schedule is heaven (9 to 5 monday to friday), the work conditions are ideas (it’s a nice office on the plateau), the job is not something I hate and isn’t particularly hard or stressful (it’s paperwork mostly), the field is super interesting (it’s a lawyer office) and I get to learn a bunch of new things everyday, my corworkers are nice and my boss is understanding (I have no problem getting days off or leaving early/arriving late for appointments etc.) It’s not necessarily what I wanna do for the rest of my life (even tho I could. Many people work as juridic assistant). But it’s good for now.

I got a new apartment. It’s not the prettiest, but home is what you make of it. It’s quite big for a 3 ½, more then enough for someone living alone for sure. Its got a parking spot included (so I don’t have to worry about parking 4 streets away from my place or having to switch street sides cause it’s tuesday or thursday…) Its got slots for all four appliances. I now live alone so I dont have to worry about anything but my own problem and stuff. I managed to get a couch and a lazyboy chair given to me. I legit have everything I need in this place.

I still have a car. I’m technically not in financial difficulties as long as I’m careful.

I should be happy. I should feel satisfied.

And it’s not that I don’t feel satisfied per say. But I’m mostly just numb? Like… I’m not happy, nor particularly sad. I’m just okay?

It’s not a new feeling. I’ve been feeling this way since I stopped college three years ago. It’s a feeling of forever being stuck in an ‘okay for now’ situation.

I worked for my dad full time 'til I figure out what I really want to do’
I moved out and started an history minor 'til I can apply in something I like’
I left Uni and moved again 'til I find motivation to really do what I want’
I moved here and started a new job 'til I have money to do something I want’

I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, with school, where I want to live, how I want to live… I got nothing figured out. I don’t know how to figure it out. And seeing people barely a few years older then me having their life all figured out is hard. How did you do it? How did you figure it out?

Take the young lawyers at work: they all have a job they like, a significant other, one of them just bought a brand new condo, one of them just got married…

I also don’t really want a life like that. I don’t want a nice suburban house with a white picked fence, a dog running in the backyard and a few children. I don’t long for this life at all. But I sometime wish I did cause it seems to easy? It’s the perfect 'usual familly’. The premade model most people aim for. It seems so easy to want that cause you don’t have to figure out as much? Idk. Still.

I’m tired of being 'okay for now’. I wish I could just… Figure out what I want to do in life.

And like… I’m glad I live alone. I’m glad I only have my own shit to deal with and that I don’t have to worry about if the rent will be paid in full this month or if there’s random people at my place when I get home or if I accidentally forgot to do a chore and people will be pissed at me for it. I enjoy the hell out of making my own decision regarding my living space.

But I do admit I’m feeling a bit lonely. Like… I sometimes wish I could have someone that would share my living space, and way of life and stuff. Most of my friends, that I used to see almost everyday this summer, are now back to school and super busy between all their classes, school work and their job… I feel bad asking to do things cause I know everyone is hella busy (like… I’ve been trying to reach one of my friend for over 2 weeks now and we keep hitting eachothers voicemail…)

I’ve been through hell this past month. I had to find a new apartment in like 2 weeks, organize my move, move, start a new job, then I got a very bad cold 2 days into my new job which lasted the first 2 days of fan expo, I went to fan expo, now I’m back and there’s 2 people that died in my step mother’s family…

I got through all this. I’m proud. I’m glad. Cause I never stopped and I always looked ahead even tho life (and people) kept throwing stuff at me.

Overall. I’m okay. But I just wish I wouldn’t feel so lonely. And tired.

I realize I might never exactly figure out what I want to do with my life. But I wish I could feel happy, and not just 'okay’ and numb all the time.