Today at work: The person who called me useless and said I was crap is all friendly with me.

Sorry but no. You don’t get to go yell at my boss that I’m an useless piece of crap and then act all friendly with me. I don’t have to act like I don’t know this person said those things. It doesn’t matter if those things were said in a fist of anger, they are still things that were said about me. They are still things someone thinks of me deep down. And I should’s have to ignore them and act like it’s okay to step on me like that.

I have NO POWER over the damn problem. I’m doing the best I can but I don’t have the power to say ‘yes sure, let’s spend 300$ to fix that thing’. Like…. I just can’t say that? I’m going to lose my job if I do things like that (tho at this point I might not even make it out of my probation if this internet problem keeps being all blamed on me like that)

I’m going to spend the next few weeks seriously thinking and weighting my options.

This isn’t a bad job. But the more I’m there, the more I realize there’s many, many problems within that office and the people working there. Those problems are challenges in a way, but in another way they are things that can EASILY make my work environment very toxic. 

I need to think for myself. This past year has been hell for me. I felt (and still feel) lost and depressed for most of it. I’ve had to face a bunch of things and I ended up doing it mostly alone in the end. I grew through these challenges, found out I was stronger and more resourceful then I ever thought I could be. But there’s still so much I need to figure out.

I know I want to go back to school at some point. I know I want to travel. I know I want to move back to he suburb. I need to focus on the things that I know I want to do and stop saying ‘you’ll never be able to do these things’. I need to figure out how to make things happen once for all.

I was looking up college programs earlier, and I landed on the 3D animation program I was supposed to enlist in when I finished high school (but enlisted in a pure science program instead since my parents insisted it was the only way to go) And like… I keep telling myself that I can’t go back to CEGEP, but like… nothing is actually stopping me from going back. It costs next to nothing to go to CEGEP and I already have all the ‘common’ classes done. 

A lot of my friends got super good jobs by doing a technical program in CEGEP and I know it’s much easier to get into an university level art program when you have a DEC in art cause you have both experience and a portfolio you spent years building…

I think I just don’t want to go back to CEGEP cause it feels like a step back, like I’m going back 6 years and I’m 16 again and just out of high school while I feel like I should be getting a decree now. I feel too old to go back to CEGEP even tho I KNOW there’s no age to go to school and study something you like. Hell, how many people try several program before they find the one? I meet a girl who had 2 DEC and was doing a third one. One of the lawyer at work did a whole degree in musical studies before he switched to law… I need to stop telling myself that ‘I’m too old’. I’m not.

 I’m only 22 and I’ve got a whole life ahead of me and if living that life means not keeping this ‘good’ and ‘adult’ job that makes me feel more and more out of place and going back to CEGEP, then so be it, right?